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Last Men On Earth

Men had a decent run on this planet. We can go sullen face into the abyss of feminist asexual reproduction and guys from spin class who order beer with hints of fruit or we can face the end of masculinity with a stiff upper lip, a purpose-filled boner, and some understanding of how the fuck we got stamped for extermination in the first place. I can’t remember which option involves less work. Maybe we’ll just do the sullen face thing. The Last Men on Earth isn’t an exaggeration. Search your newsstands, magazine racks, and online hotspots. There’s a war on scrotums and the scrotes are losing. Badly. No, you don’t get a last cigarette. Those were targeted for elimination before the men. You can’t fight what you don’t believe exists. Death is coming in the form of one politically correct Grim Reaper. Ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to have something I could call my own. Not the pants my dad poached from drunk midgets in parking structures or the bicycle with one wheel he told me would take me on grand imaginary adventures. Something special. On Last Men on Earth, we say what we want, even if that means being pushed to the front of the extruder line. See you on the other side. Ask Hank for the fresh doughnuts. He’ll know whether or not you earned them. Lex
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Last Men On Earth
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Now displaying: Page 4
Feb 17, 2016

It seems every award show is just piling on the blackness ever since the Oscar nominees were announced, but that unfortunately means we have to talk about Kanye West more. Lex and Matt are back to nail these issues from both sides, plus the Sports Illustrated XL Swimsuit Issue, Gwyneth Paltrow's super exclusive club, Ted Cruz firing a porn star, and #AdidasSoGay

Feb 10, 2016

Peyton Manning says "this Bud's for me," after winning Super Bowl 50, after Beyonce shouts out to #BlackLivesMatter and the Black Panthers at the Halftime Show (does anyone still even watch that?). Lex and Matt break it all down, plus Chelsea Handler's tits, the sexist implications of not voting for Hillary Clinton and what she means for other people named Hillary, Casey Anthony's new business, Lily Rose Depp's old sexual orientation, and George Clooney's all-white films' effect on black acting opportunities in Hollywood.

Feb 4, 2016

Who knew Kanye's ultimate weakness was assplay? Is high school wrestling the gayest sport ever invented? And is #SAGawardsSoBlack just a lazy, pandering repsonse to #OscarsSoWhite, or an actual victory for acceptance? Lex and Matt establish a firm grip on these topics, plus an Australian rape club, Charlie Sheen's Mexican HIV medicine, reverse psychology in alcohol advertising, Blac Chyna's airport antics, and finally they "react" to the Fine Brothers' asinine trademark application.

Jan 27, 2016

How screwed up is Hollywood these days? The Academy announces affirmative action for their membership, straight celebrities are posing as gay couples for photos, and apparently no black baby is safe from a famous adoptive parent! Special guest Pete Giovine joins Lex and Matt to talk about this, as well as Amy Schumer's joke ripoff allegations, the Buffalo Bills hiring the NFL's first female assistant coach, Larry Flynt vs. Hef, sexual double standards regarding student/teacher bangings, and a HuffPo editor saying #WhiteBooksDontMatter.

Jan 20, 2016

Why can't male teenage film bloggers make sexually suggestive jokes involving Amy Schumer when such jokes are basically her entire act? Is a memoir just a pretentious way of saying "autobiography," and should we require that their authors are, well, notable? Lex Jurgen and Matt Ralston tackle these tough questions and discuss the whiteness of The Oscars, Tila Tequila's GoFundMe campaign (and the size of her tits), tennis corruption, whether or not Khloe Kardashian is retarded, yet another "gay" teen actress, and Neil Patrick Harris's bench theft.

Jan 16, 2016

Well, none of us won the huge Powerball jackpot, so we're kicking off the new year with a ridiculous new episode. Lex and Matt discuss the merits of lotteries like Powerball, plus-size lingerie modeling, Sean Penn's interview with El Chapo, David Bowie groupgrief, and the Playboy Mansion being up for sale (under condition that Hugh Hefner will still live there). 

Dec 17, 2015

How can The Edge (from U2) claim to be an environmentalist while building five mansions in Malibu? Has Wu-Tang Clan's $2 million album stunt reached its perfect conclusion with Martin "Pharma Bro" Shkreli buying it? And does Ronda Rousey care about body image stigmas or is she just letting herself go after her first UFC loss? Lex and Matt absolutely deliver on this final episode of the Fall season with all these hot topics, plus Sikhs being mistaken for Muslims, Ben Affleck's back tat, renaming racist stadiums, and how nobody can stop Donald Trump.

Dec 9, 2015

Media scrutiny is #literally crippling, right Kylie Jenner? And what's with all these women suing men regarding sexual relations? I mean, so what if James Deen made some lady's butthole bleed or Charlie Sheen wasn't open about his HIV? It's an incredibly important episode with Lex and Matt this week as they tackle these issues and debate whether alcoholism is a disease, why celebrities give their kids stupid names, why certain animals' lives matter more than others, and the death of Scott Weiland. 

Dec 3, 2015

Lex and Matt finished nursing their Thanksgiving hangovers just in time to discuss some important topics, like the 43rd Pirelli Calendar getting all serious and sophisticated, Kobe Bryant's poetry, Sinead O'Connor's fake Facebook suicide, Bernie Sanders porn, porn star James Deen's rape accusations, and apparently The Hulk is a Korean teen now. Lex gets his panties in a bunch over calling Muslim terrorists Muslims, and if that wasn't enough religious extremism for you, Tim Tebow's girlfriend dumped him for refusing to have sex with her.

Nov 18, 2015

I guess the only thing odd about Charlie Sheen having HIV is the fact that he went on The Today Show to announce it. But could you imagine if he just wrote that on a restaurant receipt where the tip is supposed to go, just like other people do to shock their servers and whoever else sees it once it goes, well, y'know...viral? And it's hard enough being a widower of a 9/11 first responder, but then Glamour Magazine had to go and give the same Woman of the Year award to some transsexual named Caitlyn Jenner, so James Smith basically had no choice but to posthumously return his wife Moira's award, right? Lex and Matt are back to talk about these intense topics, along with the ridiculousness of whiny college kids wanting to feel safe from even the most laser-specific "triggers" and "microaggressions" while in school, the latest on Lamar Odom and Khloe and the rest of the Kardashians, and this age of misinformation and #slacktivism on social media. Plus, Matt reveals that he's in a Twitter war with rapper 2 Chainz regarding his threatening lyrics and tweets toward a certain female fan. Also, mark November 17, 2020 down in your calendars, because Matt has officially set the over-under on Charlie Sheen's inevitable death at five years.

Nov 12, 2015

Jeff Richards is our special guest this week as he and Matt Ralston try to pass Lex Jurgen's Big Gay Quiz! They also discuss the recent spat between Vivica A. Fox and 50 Cent, and whether or not Fiddy's claim that she licked his asshole is actually a gay comeback to gay allegations. Plus, is Pamela Anderson's announcement of being Hep C-free inspiring or just gloating? Is there any #HopeForOurDaughters if their activism videos turn out like the one accompanying the Suffragette film marketing campaign? And of course, Starbucks' antichrist cups, Larry David's $5000 "Trump's a racist" heckle on Saturday Night Live, and whether black presidential candidates like Ben Carson are immune from criticism by the mainstream media.

Nov 6, 2015

Is publicly quitting Instagram any different than desperately seeking attention on Instagram in the first place? Is there any easy way to handle transsexual high schoolers' rights regarding locker rooms? And are there any possible Halloween costumes left that won't offend some hypersensitive douche? Lex Jurgen and Matt Ralston are back after a Halloween bender to talk about these important issues, plus a Stanford student who got dumped and then claimed all sex with her boyfriend was nonconsensual, another sexist all-female movie remake, this time of "Ocean's Eleven," Donald Trump on Saturday Night Live, the importance of Latino voters, and why in the hell Angelina Jolie Pitt keeps making movies.

Oct 28, 2015

Doesn't Zooey Deschanel know the whole "celebrities giving their babies weird names" thing is wholly unoriginal at this point? Is the new all-women Ghostbusters movie empowering or sexist? And is Jeb! Bush's campaign merchandise brilliantly unique or just desperate pandering in attempt to stay relevant? Lex and Matt explore these critical topics as well as unearned pay raises, Ruby Rose's claim that gender is a spectrum, Police Chief Bratton cooking the crime stats, porn stars who date Charlie Sheen and if they deserve the inevitable disastrous consequences come their way, and whether Ronda Rousey's attractiveness and your heterosexuality are inversely related.

Oct 23, 2015

How in the hell does Taylor Swift keep selling out stadiums and making truckloads of money? Is Amy Schumer a funny comedian, funny for a woman, or just another joke thief? And should Denis Hof kept his mouth shut about Lamar Odom, or would Khloe and the Kardashians have just told everyone about Lammy's cocaine-laced sex binge at his Nevada brothel anyway? Will Lupardus (@WilliamLupardus) joins Lex Jurgen and Matt Ralston to discuss these vital topics, plus that time Matt went to Paris Hilton's CD release party in Las Vegas, the science behind the power of prayer, Koko the Gorilla's kitten request, and whether or not self-proclaimed democratic socialist Bernie Sanders has any chance of winning the presidency over a year from now!

Oct 15, 2015

Can the gender pay equality movement find a better spokeswoman than top Hollywood actress Jennifer Lawrence? Is Taylor Swift right to be upset with her boyfriend Calvin Harris for getting a Thai massage, or is it even cheating if it's just a rub-n-tug without kissing? Lex Jurgen and Matt Ralston are back to discuss these pressing topics, as well as Campbell's new gay soup marketing push, Zimbabwe declining to press charges on Walter Palmer (the dentist who killed Cecil the Lion), Playboy doing away with nudes and focusing on the articles, an open carry dildo protest at the University of Texas (#CocksNotGlocks) and whether #BlackNamesMatter!

Oct 7, 2015

Should Gerod Roth have been fired for his friends' racist comments on his work selfie? Is it anyone's business what Will Smith does for his kids' hopes and dreams? Is Demi Lovato's nude photoshoot for Vanity Fair supposed to be a big #empowerment piece for women just because she didn't wear makeup? Join Lex Jurgen and Matt Ralston for a rousing talk about these topics, plus Kylie Jenner's new ride (as in, she purchased an automobile), Eazy-E's AIDS, and [TRIGGER WARNING] gun-related armchair activism. Also, Matt presents a special field report on Amber Rose's SlutWalk in Downtown LA. 

Oct 1, 2015

Special guest Will Lupardus (@WilliamLupardus) joins us this week to talk about #BlackLivesMatter's plan to disrupt the Twin Cities Marathon, Gigi Hadid's amazing assets bringing her body shaming, and whether Fantasy Football is more masculine or more nerdy. Also, Lex laments the rise of narcissism amongst young people, Matt touches on copulation methods (and their qualified medical assistants) for people like legless lingerie model Kanya Sesser, and allegations by Azealia Banks that the LGBT lobby is just like the KKK, or something. And then all three guys discuss their "bottom five," their lists of the worst people in the world!

Sep 23, 2015

Was Ahmed Mohamed unfairly targeted for his homemade clock, or was he just screwing with his Texas school and the media? Can celebrities ever just screw up without blaming a previously-undiagnosed condition? Will black actors ever stop talking about oppression? Is there anyone left in Hollywood who isn't gay or bisexual? Lex Jurgen and Matt Ralston attack these pressing topics, plus Alyssa Milano's breastfeeding Nazis, the #revolution of #ThighBrows, and the #NewFace of #SocialActivism: retweeting for the cause (and reward points for concert tickets and prizes and stuff)!

Sep 16, 2015

Lex and Matt are back after a week off, and today they're joined by special guest and comedian Pete Giovine!  

Should journalists straight up ask people like Tom Hardy if they’re gay? Was Emily Ratajkowski’s topless music video her worst gig ever? Do you even know who she is without us telling you she was in Robin Thicke's “Blurred Lines” video? This, plus a middle school dare gone criminally wrong, a fashion model with Down syndrome, a Floyd Mayweather retrospective, and a topless protest of a French Muslim conference on wife beating!

Sep 4, 2015

Were this year's VMAs the worst ever, or is it just teen culture in general that's awful? Is there a bias against women with fat asses, or is it just Nicki Minaj? We also discuss a pro wrestler's murder charge, a herpes empowerment blog, Matt's worst job, a literal, organized slut parade, and Caitlyn Jenner carrying the torch (not a euphemism).

Aug 28, 2015

It's tough being a football fan what with all the raping and the beating on the part of the players. Plus now there's not even the comfort of your Ashley Madison account or grown man surgically adjusted to look like young Justin Beiber to turn to. It's even getting risky to fuck your high school teacher these days. What have we become? Let's at least put Terence Howard in jail on TV if we can't jail him in real life, and take all the booze off the USC campus to punish everyone for Steve Sarkisian's imaginary problem.

Aug 12, 2015

Pedophiles run Hollywood, luckily Ben Affleck found a fully grown nanny. Trump leads a clown race, Kylie Jenner ruins birthdays forever while Kiran Ghandi ruins marathons, leading Lex to run away with a dolphin.

Jul 29, 2015

A dentist kills a lion, drugs kill Bobbi Kristina Brown, a hooker kills a serial killer, the Cosby 35 shoot to kill, and there's a new transsexual modeling agency so could we please just let Kylie Jenner fuck legally already?

Jul 27, 2015

Cosby's exposed, Cruise may be exposed, Cait is overexposed, Ashley Madison users are exposed, 50 Cent exposed as broke, and God exposes himself to Russell Wilson.

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