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Last Men On Earth

Men had a decent run on this planet. We can go sullen face into the abyss of feminist asexual reproduction and guys from spin class who order beer with hints of fruit or we can face the end of masculinity with a stiff upper lip, a purpose-filled boner, and some understanding of how the fuck we got stamped for extermination in the first place. I can’t remember which option involves less work. Maybe we’ll just do the sullen face thing. The Last Men on Earth isn’t an exaggeration. Search your newsstands, magazine racks, and online hotspots. There’s a war on scrotums and the scrotes are losing. Badly. No, you don’t get a last cigarette. Those were targeted for elimination before the men. You can’t fight what you don’t believe exists. Death is coming in the form of one politically correct Grim Reaper. Ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to have something I could call my own. Not the pants my dad poached from drunk midgets in parking structures or the bicycle with one wheel he told me would take me on grand imaginary adventures. Something special. On Last Men on Earth, we say what we want, even if that means being pushed to the front of the extruder line. See you on the other side. Ask Hank for the fresh doughnuts. He’ll know whether or not you earned them. Lex
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Last Men On Earth
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Now displaying: Page 3
Sep 16, 2016

Some people have a problem with a beautifully curvy woman teaching a class of fourth graders even if she doesn't show a lot of skin. Then there's the questions of Donald Trump's medical history and Hillary Clinton's medical current events, Tim Gunn's concerns about too much titty in high fashion, the passing of trans pioneer Alexis Arquette, some super-entitled millennial at UCLA, and Kaia Gerber's fake "Model of the Year" award. Just another afternoon at Rocco's Tavern with Lex Jurgen and Matt Ralston!

Sep 9, 2016

Former Fox News leggy talking head Gretchen Carlson snatches a $20 million settlement over Roger Ailes' sexual harassment, Megan Rapinoe takes a knee during the national anthem before nobody watches her soccer game, Melissa Click finds a safer space at a new job, and Burning Man attendees attack the "rich camp" out there in the desert. Lex and Matt also discuss how Miss Missouri is the first openly gay Miss America contestant, Zendaya Coleman and black suffering, and how, somehow, Pamela Anderson is anti-porn. 

Aug 31, 2016

Apparently sexting other people wasn't enough to get Huma Abedin to separate from her husband, Anthony Weiner (aka Carlos Danger), but sexting with their four-year-old son in the background crossed a line. Then Chris Brown got arrested for pulling a gun while high on a regional beauty pageant winner, Lenny Dykstra claims Mickey Rourke owes him money, Lena Dunham wearing lingerie empowers women in a "big" way, and on an unrelated note, Go Topless Day happened this weekend. As always, Lex's panties are in a bunch, this week over men's action selfie videos while doing stunts. And don't forget, Michael Jackson would have been 58 this week (but his pedophilia allegations would be in their 30s or something).

Aug 19, 2016

Lex and Matt bask in the glory of successfully predicting Ryan Lochte's fabricated Brazil Rambo situation and Amber Heard walking away with $7 million for mere extortion. Then Kurt Metzger deals with a comedy pal's rape accusations on message boards, The New York Post publishes a study saying teens are having porn-induced erectile dysfunction, Shaun White sends fecal porn to his chick drummer (oh, and in other news, he's apparently in a band!), PC police accuse Ellen Degeneres of racism for her tweet involving Usain Bolt, and finally, men are just getting weaker and weaker. 

Aug 12, 2016

The female version of Ocean's Eleven had to be cut down to Ocean's Eight, Cindy Crawford's young daughter is getting in to modeling, Malia Obama smokes weed, Martin Shkreli diagnoses Hillary Clinton's mental health problems from afar, Drake's dad makes some music of his own, and Courtney Stodden just can't tell you enough about her recent miscarriage. Lex and Matt swan dive into these topics while wondering when we can finally all just be over the Olympics. 

Aug 5, 2016

Suicide Squad fans want Rotten Tomatoes shut down for their poor review of the movie they've been anticipating, Caitlyn Jenner's TV show gets canceled due to poor ratings, Suge Knight tried to kill poor Eminem, and poor Sharon Osbourne is being torn apart by Ozzy's sex addiction. Then Lex and Matt discuss why pointing out the fact that Hillary's voice is shrill is not inherently sexist, and then about how Taylor Swift is one crazy bitch. Oh, and it's Olympic time in Rio [De Janiero]. 

Jul 29, 2016

Lex and Matt kick back at the lush Rocco's Tavern to discuss Sarah Silverman's Anonymous Twitter hijacking, some crazy "independent" British family who depends on your crowdfunding help, Tobias Strebel as he pertains to plastic surgery ethics, a "hyena man" in Africa, early-retiring NFL players and their potential to marginalize football, crazy Randy Quaid, and Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's doctor and killer (kind of), finally confirms that the King of Pop was, indeed, a pedophile (not a moment too soon)

Jul 25, 2016

Lex and Matt discuss Ashley Graham's weight loss angles, a water polo girl's touching story, Kobe Bryant's family financial advice, DNC leaked emails, Brandy suing her label for slavery, what Kim Kardashian charges per hour, and Star Trek social engineering. 

Jul 18, 2016

Lex and Matt discuss Jennifer Aniston's open letter to pregnancy rumor starters, the honor killing of Pakistani Kim K, Peeping Playboy Playmate Dani Mathers (after an uncomfortably long and detailed discussion on Hef's penis), broke-ass rappers who act all rich, the new Girl Ghostbusters film, Amy Schumer suddenly remembering how she was raped, and Victoria Beckham involving her child in her attention-whoring endeavors.

Jul 6, 2016

Lex taps into Matt's fury about YouTube star Calum McSwiggan's fake hate crime, Kevin Durant joining the team that just ended his playoff run, John Cena's diversity ad, someone who willfully changed his name to "Boozie Badazz," Ashley Madison's downfall, and the art of the threesome (the last two topics are not necessarily related)

Jun 29, 2016

In the wake of a monumental SCOTUS decision, Chelsea Handler talks about getting two abortions in one year when she was a teenager. Kanye West releases a bizarre music video, and Black Twitter thinks Justin Timberlake saying that we're all one race at the BET Awards is just like saying "all lives matter." Lex and Matt cover these topics as well as male breastfeeding, photography and other non-real jobs, and the big, fat daughter of Gene Simmons.

Jun 22, 2016

Lex and Matt are back to talk aboot Canada's new gender-neutral national anthem, the girl who nailed 31 Oakland cops, Michael Jackson's vast porn collection, the possibility of a blood and/or sexual relationship between Khloe Kardashian and OJ Simpson, why anyone still watches the ESPYs, LA Weekley and the death of journalism, and the possibility of many more deaths at the Rio Olympics. 

Jun 15, 2016

After taking some time off, Lex and Matt are back to talk about that illegal immigrant valedictorian, a big fat victory for London people, celebrities making the Orlando attack about themselves, the sex-based double-standard regarding sex-based teacher-student relationships, a creepy-ass Target sperm-donating professor, Meg Ryan no longer looking like Meg Ryan, and porn actress Cameron Bay strips the veil off of the porn industry.

May 30, 2016

Some vegans died descending Mount Everest, surprising some people for some reason. The University of Georgia pays Ludacris $65,000 and magnum condoms to perform at their spring football game, mandatory sex consent apps on college campuses, and a gay billionaire bankrolling lawsuits against Gawker.

May 23, 2016

Some guy studied how men and women rate TV shows geared toward the opposite sex, Tess Holliday claims some doctor said she's healthy and totally not going to kill her baby with her own obesity, some college coach's wife calls out her cheating husband over twitter, and Huffington Post proudly tweets a photo of their diverse workforce ranging from white women to whiter women. Join Lex Jurgen and Matt Ralston for an in-depth look at these and other topics, including the return of Lex's favorite segment: Panties in a Bunch!

May 13, 2016

Yes, Gwyenth Paltrow is selling her gold-plated dildo, and it can be yours for the ridiculous price of just fifteen thousand dollars! Lex Jurgen and Matt Ralston plunge deep into this, as well as Ozzy Osbourne's affair with his hairdresser, Calvin Klein's latest underage-looking model marketing campaign, Gene Simmons criticizing Prince, Emma Thompson's opposition to social media-based film casting, and vegan death threats toward Café Gratitude's ownership.

May 6, 2016

If you're still reading this after seeing the title, thank you. 

This week, Lex Jurgen and Matt Ralston discuss Rumer Willis being bullied, Emma Watson's recycled plastic fashion and U.N. credentials, pitcher Carlos Martinez's STDs, Grimes's Kesha-like story (or not), and Lee Daniels apologizing to Sean Penn over black domestic violence. 

Apr 29, 2016

Is Azealia Banks right about Beyonce using black stereotypes to sell records to white people, even if she's just a black stereotype herself? Is Blac Chyna's purple Lamborghini gift from Rob Kardashian just proof of her being a whore? And what the hell is up with Adam LaRoche's undercover sex sting in Vietnam? Lex and Matt probe these tender topics as well as Female Ted Cruz's porn deal, Leonardo DiCaprio finding time to speak to the UN between banging countless babes, Lena Dunham's threat to leave the US if Hillary Clinton isn't elected president, Prince's Percocet use, and Target restrooms.

Apr 22, 2016

Can Tess Holliday be fat-shamed and pregnant-shamed simultaneously? After Dax Shepard’s confession, is there anyone left in Hollywood who HASN’T been molested? And James Franco, who won’t stop talking about his sexuality, is upset that people won’t stop talking about his sexuality. Lex Jurgen and Matt Ralston probe all these deep topics, as well as Cheryl Burke feeing suicidal over working with Ian Ziering on Dancing With the Stars, the death of Prince, Curt Schilling getting fired for speaking his mind about trans people taking shits, and Harriet Tubman replacing Andrew Jackson on $20 bills.

Apr 15, 2016

The Lakers celebrate Kobe's retirement as they win the final game of the worst season in their history, Johnny Manziel and Lamar Odom seem to just want to drink themselves to death, Erykah Badu thinks girls should "lower their skirts" because men are animals with no self control, and Bow Wow (he's not Lil' anymore) fakes his wealth. Lex and Matt are back to talk about these important happenings, as well as the Equal Pay for Women Monument, secret totally-not-gay societies at Harvard and similar elite institutions, and Ted Cruz's bizarre story involving a hoard of Campbell's Soup. 

Apr 11, 2016

Jennifer Lawrence says something about body image issues, Azealia Banks says something about Sarah Palin on Twitter, Jennifer Lopez says "produce my new single" to Dr. Luke, and Matt mentions a new fashion trend called "period skirts." Oh, and Tom Cruise's Scientology fortress.

Apr 2, 2016

No April fools here, just Lex and Matt talking about a Broadway production that put out a casting call preferring non-whites, Lamar Odom drinking again, the ethical implications of extorting money from the Kardashian family, an overexposed videogame ass, a cop bothered by Elton John's gay come-ons, and more!

Mar 25, 2016

Lex and Matt are back to discuss Hulk Hogan's sex tape payout, Kesha's lamentations of "slavery," NFL baby daddy records, tennis pay equality, Ellen DeGeneres, HBO and a terminally ill comedian named Quincy Jones, and an NBA anti-harassment consultant.

Mar 19, 2016

Lex and Matt discuss Madonna's meltdown over missing her son, Adam LaRoche's retirement from the Chicago White Sox because they wouldn't allow his son in the clubhouse all season long, and Charlie Sheen's seven-figure child support requirement. Then you can finish nursing that St. Patty's hangover as they talk about the WNBA, Sean Penn, El Chapo, drugs, Mariah Carey, more drugs, and the ethical and moral implications of barbering with regard to transsexual customers. 

Mar 8, 2016

Who in the hell would hire a bearded woman as a model? What's the latest with Charlie Sheen, Brett Rossi, and HIV? And is any black actress truly "black enough?" Lex and Matt are back from a break to answer all these pressing questions, and talk about Kesha's Dr. Luke rape allegations, Caitlin Jenner preferring men, Blac Chyna's effect on Rob Kardashian's fitness, and whether Eva Amurri's husband declining sex with their nanny is really something to brag about.

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